Thoughts on Mommyhood and why you should never give up on this dream

I am a mom. I tell myself this everyday, lest I forget all the days before when I wasn't a mom. I haven't forgotten that longing. It pains me to know that so many others are still in that boat, bobbing up and down at sea and watching all the other mommy boats float past. I was stuck in those waters for many years wondering if I would sink or swim.

And people would say,
"I'll sell you my two-year old!"
"Enjoy your sleep while you can!"
"At least you can travel!"
People will say silly things in order to feel better about your situation. But what they are not telling you is that they would never, not in a million years even if it was legal, sell you their two-year old. They know that no amount of sleeping on your stomach in between soft white pima cotton sheets would ever make up for seeing your baby shoot you a big milky smile at 4 o'clock in the morning. No adventure to the farthest antipodes in search of the world's best gelato could replace the love you will have for your own child.

I am a mom. Among others things. But right now, it's my newest, bravest endeavor. And this job is so much harder than anything else I've ever done. This coming from someone who once went a whole year without eating a cheeseburger. My little one is currently in the next room not taking a nap for the second time today which means I've started and stopped this post about 77 times. She is a wild one, my girl. Sometimes I wonder how God can stuff a spirit this big into a body that small?

I often wonder what I would say to someone still bobbing.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Now that I'm in the mommy boat.
That is.
There is a reason you want this.
I remember thinking, Why is this so hard? Why do I need this so much? Why does it hurt so bad? I will tell you, there is a reason your heart is pricked every month you are not pregnant. There is a reason your uterus skips a beat when you drive past a park with an empty swing. And there is a reason it may feel like something, someone, is missing from your nest. And when the doctor/midwife/husband/birth-mother hands you that baby for the first time you will absolutely believe in miracles. You will feel bigger than the universe in that moment. The heart-break will begin to fade as pure love fills your soul and you will want to burst from the inside out. You will be proud of yourself for not giving up on this dream. You fought for her. For him. For them. No one can ever take that from you. It is MAGIC.
That is the reason you've wanted this so very very much.
Don't give up. It is that good.

I am her mom. I pray every day that she will grow slow so I can watch her with eyes wide open, but even still, it's all happening way too fast for this new momma. Some days she does not want to be put down, she wants me to hold her, with her bum resting on my forearm, head perched on my shoulder so she can see the world as I piddle around the house attempting to do one-handed jobs. Other days she wants me to swaddle her and rock her back and forth as she sleeps against my warm body. And when my back is aching and my arms are numb and I'm looking at the clock wondering when Daddy will be home, I think how can I deny her this? I've never wanted to be good at anything as much as I want to be good at this, at motherhood. The learning curve is steep and sometimes unforgiving, but it's amazing all the same. When our two gazes lock my heart stops and I get the sense that she can see me, right to my very core, and she knows I'm her momma and we are together again.

via Kill Bill v. II

Just trust me, there is a reason you want this. Someday you'll know what it is. Keep fighting, and I'll be praying for you, too. In the meantime, enjoy your sleep and travel the world!
P.S. I've got a gassy 2 month old infant for sale if anyone is interested... ;).

Bee's Blueprint: 2 Months

This sweet little Bee is 2 months old today and we couldn't be more in love with her. She's nearly off the charts for height and practically already taller than her mother. Oh she is a sweetie, this one, and is melting hearts all over the world with her infectious smiles. Long strong legs, she likes to stand (assisted) on daddy's lap and hold her head high. Finding her voice, she loves to smile and coo along with mom while we sing together in the rocking chair. A wild little sleeper, she somehow manages to rotate herself 90 degrees in her bassinet during the night. Life is becoming slightly more predictable and routine these days and this new little family of 3 is settling into one another with open arms. No shortage of love and kisses around here.
2 month stats:
11 lbs 2 oz (75%)
24.25 inches tall (97+%)

A letter to Baby Bee: A name and a blessing

Dear Baby Bee,
On Sunday July 29, 2012 you were given a name and a blessing by your father. It was a special day for our family and you looked absolutely angelic in the blessing dress Grandma Noni crocheted especially for you. The dress fit you perfectly and we were glad Grandma was able to be there for the blessing. At the end of the blessing you sneezed right in to the microphone! You really are so cute, even when it's by accident. After the blessing we had lunch down on the pool patio with family and friends who were there to celebrate you. There is no doubt, little one, that you are loved.

We carefully chose and gave you the name Phoebe, and we think it's a special one. Early in my pregnancy your dad and I were in Midway, UT, probably looking to satisfy a Mexican food craving of mine, when we drove past the Bonner Corners. The name Phoebe popped into my head and I mentally put it on our Baby Girl name list. I told Grandma that we were thinking about the name Phoebe and, of course, she became all happy crazy about it. The news spread to Aunt Sybil and before long a large envelope arrived at our house that contained original photographs of my great great grandparents George and Phoebe Bonner of Midway, UT. She also included photocopies of grandma Phoebe's handwritten autobiography.

That night we sat together on the edge of our bed as I read out loud her autobiography. Grandma Phoebe poured her heart onto those pages and spoke of blessings and trials from her life. She wrote:

I have a strong and abiding faith in and a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which I have gained by the power and the manifestations of God. 

Tears flowed down both of our cheeks and your dad and I knew that she was a special person with a special name. The name Phoebe is feminine, strong, timeless, and we believe it suits you perfectly. It has a wonderful family heritage and we love that there will always be a historical landmark, the Bonner home in Midway, that will connect you to the physical place where grandma Phoebe lived. The name Phoebe means bright and shining one, and indeed you are my little one.

Observation: Men Folk

da BRUDDERS

Apricot Picking with Grandma

On Monday Bee and I drove down to Orem all by ourselves. As in, without BD. As in, someone put on their big girl pants and braved the 45 minute drive alone with an infant. Don't mind if I go ahead and pat myself on the back here. Momma can do hard things. Baby girl slept the whole entire way. Which means she wants to see her grandparents again! This is a good sign. 

My mom is in the process of fixing up and remodeling our family home to sell. It will be harder for me than expected to see the home change hands. I am sentimental about these things so I try not to think about it too much. And in the meantime will enjoy the apricots from this tree for one more summer. I loved watching Phoebe kick and play on the green grass that was my childhood. This section of lawn is where we did lines of cartwheels and was always the second to last "throw" of bocce ball. Stop it, or I'll cry.

A Letter to Baby Bee: The Birth Story (part I)

Dear Baby Bee,

You were born at Salt Lake Regional Hospital in delivery room #5 on May 31st at 11:06 pm and weighed a healthy 8 lbs 7 oz and measured 18 inches long. We're pretty sure they shorted you a good two inches on your first measurement, but there is so much more to it than that...

On May 31st I was exactly 8 days overdue, meaning I was 41+ weeks pregnant. And miserable. You see, once expecting mommy's reach their expected due date they expect the baby will be born. Unexpectedly, that was not the case with you. Every day I went past my due date seemed like 5 10 20 more. I wanted so badly for my body to go into labor on its own, so I resisted being induced just for the sake of my own comfort. You would come when you were ready, I told myself over and over. The day before I waddled my big pregnant self into the hospital for a non-stress test, and fortunately everything was fine, we were both still handling the pregnancy well with no complications. Unfortunately, I was still pregnant and beginning to wonder if you would ever be born at all. I joked that because I wanted this pregnancy so badly Heavenly Father had blessed me with one of those rare Eternal Pregnancies.

I left the hospital feeling comforted that everything was fine. They had given me an ultrasound to measure the amniotic fluid (~12) which gave me a sneak peak of you on screen. You were definitely crammed tight in my belly, but I could make out a leg here and an arm there and your cute little profile. The ultrasound gave me renewed energy to wait it out a little longer. That afternoon I sat down by the pool and tried to read a book, but mostly I was daydreaming about you while trying to find a comfortable position to exist in.

By the time your dad came home that evening I was weepy and tired once more. We thought of ways to help induce my labor. I did 20 jumping jacks in the living room. We rode the elevator to the top floor and bounced down the 18 flights of stairs. Twice. Finally, we went swimming to help get my mind off it and eventually gave up and went to bed. I tossed and turned during the night and could tell that my body, not just my mind, was anxious too. I started to cry. I woke up your dad and he did his best to comfort me, even looking up statistics to show that 41 weeks was actually the average term length of healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies. Bless his heart. I wanted to kill him. And yet. I begged him to work from home the following day so I wouldn't have to be alone. He obliged and held me the rest of the night. Actually, he didn't. But he would have if I had let him.

In the morning it seemed my usual aches and pains were somehow even worse. I doubled over several times just walking around the house. I opted out of my daily morning walk and took a warm bath instead. My list of things to do before you were born was slowly growing shorter, but even still, I got dressed and headed out to the car dealership to have a spare key made. Wouldn't want to have a baby without a spare car key on hand, would we? As I was sitting in the waiting room lobby I slowed my focus to the contractions and the thought finally occurred to me that perhaps I was in labor. On the way home I admitted to myself that I was in a lot of pain. I told your dad that we should finish packing the hospital bag, just in case.

During the next hour I rocked on my exercise ball and we began timing my contractions (there's an app for that) only to realize they were starting about 5 minutes or less apart. Again I hesitated to believe I was actually in labor so I called Dr. Lash on his cell phone and explained what was happening. He chuckled, said it sounded like I was in labor and kindly suggested I go to the hospital - reassuring me that they would not turn me away at 41 weeks. He didn't have to tell me twice. We arrived at the hospital around 2:00 pm. You were going to be born in May after all!

This picture is just embarrassing on many many levels. And yet, I'm putting it on the internet.

Happiness is...

...that moment when you realize that not only are you a mom, but you get to be HER mom.

Video: Burrowing Baby

I have about a thousand blog drafts about the birth story, the 4th of July, and mommyhood that are very nearly halfway done and waiting for me to give them 5 minutes of editing and a few pictures for good measure. But every time I attempt to sit at the computer my attention is directed elsewhere. I could/should be sleeping or at the very least hunting chocolate. Whoever said that new mommies shouldn't eat chocolate was dead wrong. New mommies require chocolate to survive.
Phoebe is 6 weeks old this very day and steals my heart about 100 times a minute. To celebrate, here is a little video of my burrowing baby that brings me joy. Very little of our lives could be considered "scheduled" these days, but our regular mornings consist of a stroller walk to the H-Rock with our neighborhood besties (so momma can get her talk on). Back at home we snuggle, nurse, and sing songs in the rocking chair until she's ready for a nap. When she's tired she burrows her head into my shoulder until she finds juuuuuuust the right place to fall asleep...like I said, 100 times a minute.

Burrowing Baby from B&G Duncan on Vimeo.


And because I'm so obviously on a roll here today, one more of Phoebes smiling and cooing for her daddy. This girl and her daddy. More on that later!

Smiling for Daddy from B&G Duncan on Vimeo.

P.S. When BD watched this video he said, "Haha, I'm a dork." I said, "No, you're a dad!"

Happy Fourth of July

Bee's first holiday: obviously a pretty big deal! We had a wonderful Fourth of July with our little family and stayed right here in our neighborhood. The annual Breakfast in the Park is always a highlight and once again BD helped man the 200 foot hillside slip 'n slide. Maybe next year Bee can slide down on her daddy's lap! We are always thankful the fire department is willing to come and provide some much needed relief from the heat. After the breakfast we went swimming with some of our besties from the neighborhood, followed by some much needed afternoon naps. That evening we had dinner with the same crew and ended the day with a stroller ride home, some porch sitting and watching the fireworks. Pretty much a perfect day all around. I love my little family.

Bee's Blueprint: 1 Month

Somebody pinch me. My baby girl is 1 month old and I don't even know how that's physically, humanly possible. Eat, sleep, poop. Repeat. Cuddle. Cuddle. Snuggle. The last 4 weeks have consisted of some very long days, but have also been filled with the most intense joy of our lives. She is changing and growing every day, every minute, it seems. We are enjoying every inch of her squirmy, growly, sweetness.
1 Month stats:
9 lbs 9 oz (70%)
22.5 inches tall
Nicknames: Growly Bear, Bee Girl, Toots, Suga Bee, Phoebes Louise

Other Blueprints: 4 days

Bee's Newborn Photos: 10 Days Old

Baby P from Jessie O'Neal on Vimeo.

I'm super lucky that one of my very best besties Jessie is a photographer. Her hubby Cole and BD work together, we all went to high school together, and lets just say that ties run deep. They have been incredibly supportive and encouraging to us while we've waited for this little angel. I can't watch this video without crying the ugly cry. Thank you Jessie! My little family just melts my heart.

 

 

{I absolutely love this picture of these two dads and their baby girls.}

A Father's First

These two. They hold my whole heart. Is there anything sweeter than a father and his daughter? BD has embraced fatherhood like a rockstar. I love to hear him quietly talking and cooing at her in the middle of the night when he gets up to change her diaper, swaddle, and bring her back to me. Phoebes and I are lucky to have him as our main man. We celebrated his very first Father's Day this past weekend with breakfast in bed and a lazy Sunday at home. He wanted nothing more than to snuggle his baby girl all day. I made an entire batch of cookie dough just for him, and not for cookies, because that's how much we love this guy.

Bee's First Week Home

Wow. I had a baby, and she lives with us now. While I have endless streams of new mom memories I want to write about, I have a hard time putting her down during the day. Forgive me if posting seems light. I waited for this precious little girl for so long and now that she's here I'm trying to enjoy every second of her existence. All while sneaking in a shower and sometimes a snack. There have been countless moments during the first week of having Phoebe home, but here are a few unforgettable ones.

• The long sloooow drive home from the hospital on Sunday morning. It was totally surreal. I had my eyes glued on the passenger vanity mirror peering back at her the entire way. Do we risk it and make a stop at the pharmacy? I was happy to be leaving the hospital, but a little nervous about being on our own. ON OUR OWN. With my hormones.

• Sunday afternoon I walked into Bee's nursery and found BD holding her tight against his chest with tears streaming down his cheeks. We brought her home on June 3rd, which also happened to be the 9 year anniversary of his mom passing away. It was a tender moment for him when he put that together. I know he feels his mom close to him during this special time. In the days leading up to her delivery BD would tease me that his mom wasn't ready to let her go yet. Thank you, Grandma Judy for sending her down!

• The way she snorts when she cries really hard. A little sad, but pretty much adorable. 
• Her first stroller ride on Wednesday. We got her all situated in the bassinet, binki, blankie, and that clueless look on our faces that said "what else?" We decided to risk it, being the brave new parents that we are. And out we step onto the sidewalk of the great outdoors when two seconds later and not 5 feet from our building a wounded bee flew right past my face and into the hood of her bassinet where it bounced around frantically and couldn't get out. I lost all sense of control, started flipping out, handsagoing screaming and such. Capt. Awesome-Under-Pressure, swiftly picked her up and escorted the wounded bee out with a stick. Then I stepped on that little bee, momma bear style, because it had attacked my first born baby girl on her very first excursion out into the wild wild world. I felt really awful for the rest of our walk. Poor little bee, don't mess with Little Bee's mom. Also related: hormones.

• The ease in which Brad and I became Mom and Dad, like in an instant. And it's not weird or anything to call each other as such. I'm  a mom. He's a dad. And it feels like an honor.
• She gets the hiccups about 14 times a day, same as in the womb. Poor bug.
• All of her dark hair! It was such a surprise to us that she had hair at all. I love to run my fingers through it while she's nursing.
• My mom stayed with us the first two nights which was awesome. She did lots of laundry and cleaned out my entire fridge. She would rock Phoebe back to sleep after nighttime feedings. She also reminded me several times how lucky I was to have Brad, who was not about to miss out on one diaper change, one burping or one feeding or pretty much anything having to do with Phoebe those first few days. Apparently this new breed of hands-on dad was not available when my mom was rearing her babies. Her mind was completely blown  away with the diapers that change color when wet. What will they think of next?
• According to Grandma we took at least 75 pictures of her first sponge bath. According to our camera, she was about right! Can you blame us?  

• Her sweet milky breath.
• We felt rushed out the door trying to remember all the right papers to bring for her first pediatrician appointment. We were supposed to go to the hospital lab first and have her bilirubin levels checked again. But the lab visit took much longer than expected and there we were, 30 minutes late to her first appointment, trying to look like competent parents but feeling like we had pretty much failed the first test. Thank heavens she passed with flying colors and made mom and dad look good while at it. Perhaps a glimpse of what's ahead.
• The way she grunts when she's eating. 
• The way she sleeps on my chest.

• Meeting her new friend Eleanor for the first time. Deedee and I had these babes just 9 days apart. I loved being able to share this pregnancy with a close friend who was expecting at the same time. We hope they love each other as much as we think they will ;).

• The way she smells like perfection, like a dream, like a newborn. I just look at her and weep. I can't control it, it's just a thing that I do right now. Being her mom is everything I could have hoped for and much more. It's all a bit overwhelming. Again, with the hormones.
• We had one of my dear friends Jessie take her newborn photos on Saturday. It was such a neat experience to have Jessie in our home with her hubby Cole and their new baby girl. Jessie is the baby whisperer and had Bee melted into soft blankets and asleep in no time. My eyes kept welling up with tears. She's the most beautiful little creature I've ever seen. We will cherish these pictures forever.

• The way she fits so perfectly into the crook of my arm. 

• The way she fits so perfectly into our lives.

Bee's Blueprint: 4 Days!

Oh, how we love having this little sugar bee in our home! We had our first check-up today at 4 days old and we (she) passed with flying colors even though Mommy and Daddy were late (opps!). She had gained 2 ounces back, which made us all jump for joy. She has finally flushed all the meconium from her belly and her bilirubin levels are staying low and even though she's not real hungry yet she's thriving in every other way. Momma and Phoebe are making lots of progress on nursing and she is being incredibly patient with her clueless parents as we figure out her needs. We stare at her for hours, wondering how we ever lived without her to begin with. Daddy is smitten beyond his wildest dreams. Momma is pretty sure she's the most beautiful thing in the world. We think everything she does is down-right amazing. She yawns and we gasp with excitement. And she does this cute little thing with her lips that we melt over every single time. Grandma was pretty sure we took at least 75 pictures of her first sponge bath. We love our new little family. We love her so completely.

*Also at the Dr.'s office, she was upgraded to 20.5 inches! Mommy and Daddy could simply not believe that she was only 18 inches long, and we were right. 

Inspiration for recording growth from You Are My Fave, who is a fave of mine :).

Hi. My name is Phoebe. And I was born yesterday!

8 lbs 7 oz 18 inches long, welcome to the world Little Bee!