Saturday, February 25, 2012

On Infertility: The IVF Process Part III

While I'm traveling Down Under I thought I'd post some excerpts from my IVF Journal. For such an impersonal, clinical process IVF can be from start to finish, I was completely taken back at how personal and spiritual the embryo transfer would be. Believe me when I say it was so cool. I cannot read this without feeling loved.
Embryo Transfer 3/31/11 Continued...

Except, that we were not alone in that room. I felt surrounded by love in every direction. Brad kissed me softly and told me he loved me more than anything in this world. Tears soaked our faces and since Brad couldn’t find a tissue he used the sleeve of his sweatshirt to wipe the puddles from my eyes. I felt an intense love for him, the angels that surrounded us, my God, and of course for our babies. I want them both so badly. The desire to be a mother has never been stronger than in that moment. I’ve always said that I wanted one child at a time. But after seeing both of our real live embryos, I want nothing more than to have both of them right now. I knew I would do anything possible so that both of those embryos could realize their full potential and gain a body. I wasn’t expecting such a beautiful spiritual experience that day, but that’s exactly what it turned out to be. I felt unbelievably blessed to have made it this far. 

I’m not even joking; an acoustic version of Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” came on over the speakers and played softly in the background. We couldn’t help but giggle through our sobs.

During those 30 minutes Brad snuggled his face right close to mine. We talked and gushed and sang praises about our little embryos, convincing them to come to our family. We’ll pay for your college! We’ll take you to Disneyland! Once a year you can even have marshmallow cereal! Unintentionally we started listing back and forth all of the things we wanted to show and teach our children, such as rainbows, and roly polys, park swings, zoo animals, science experiments, camping in Yellowstone and even how to ride a bike, read picture books, tie their big kid shoes, pray every day, bake cookies, and cakes and muffins too.  These thoughts made our hopeful hearts eager to become parents.
Eventually the nurse came back in and gave us some instructions. We are to come back in 12 days for a pregnancy test. I should act as though I’m pregnant, avoiding foods and activities that I would avoid during pregnancy. Continue with the progesterone shots daily (ouch!). I got dressed, but because the Valium had really kicked in, I required a bit of assistance with those tricky pant legs. The nurse wheeled me out to the car and Brad and I were home in no time. Again, I rested for many hours in a deep peaceful sleep (Valium is a yummy happy drug!). My heart must have been exhausted from simply feeling that abundant love. 

For the first time during our whole infertility process I was grateful for all of it. I was grateful for these moments that I might never have had. I was grateful for the chance to see and feel and experience everything I had that day. It has changed me in ways I don’t even know yet. Without question, I would do it all over again.

I carried that little picture of our two embryos around with me to every room in the house for days. It gives me strength and hope for whatever is ahead. 

Our first glimpse at the surviving embryos; cutest embryos we had ever hoped to see! I was so proud they were mine.

1 comment:

C*K*J said...

These posts make me so weepy. I miss you!!