While traveling Down Under I thought I'd post some excerpts from my IVF Journal. Spoiler: this is the Womp Womp part. Note: I reference my therapist several times in this post. I feel very fortunate to have had access to the world's best therapist (imo) during this and other challenges and find this method of dealing with life highly successful for me.
I woke up at 3:30 am and couldn’t fall back asleep. I’m actually surprised I made it that far into the night. Recently I’ve found myself laying awake at night and wishing for all the things in my heart while Brad snoozes next to me. Today we would find out the results of a blood draw pregnancy test. I’ve resisted using a home pregnancy test because I don’t want to have mixed results. We’ve been counting down this day by the number of sleeps we have left. Three sleeps, 2 sleeps, now none. Today is the day. Finally my alarm went off and Brad started to stir. He made us breakfast, eggs in toast, while I blow-dried my hair with shaky hands. In the elevator he asked me if I thought I was pregnant. I said, YES! He answered, ME TOO. He thinks it’s awesome to kiss in the elevator and I’m always panicked we’ll get caught. This morning I didn’t mind at all.
The blood draw was really quick. The phlebotomist came in, pricked my arm, and we were done in 2 minutes tops. He said someone from the clinic would call in a few hours after the results come back. After all this, we still have to wait?! Brad dropped me off at my office and I stared at my phone until he picked me up again at lunch time. We were on our way to meet with my therapist when the nurse finally called with the bad news.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. We sat in the parking lot for several minutes letting it sink in. This is not at all how I practiced this moment in my head. We were not prepared for this. We were prepared for anything but this.
Today I could hardly find words to express my feelings. I wanted to call the clinic back and make sure they had called the right person. I didn’t know how to act or what to say. I could only cry. I didn’t know how to comfort Brad. I didn’t want to go back to work or have to tell anyone bad news. I didn’t want to face this. I wanted to disappear and pretend that it never happened, that we were never that excited, that we were never that vulnerable. I wanted to wake up from this bad dream and be on the elevator again this morning in love with the idea of a baby. I wanted to actually be pregnant.
On our way home Brad stopped at the grocery store to pick up Cadbury Mini Eggs. He came out with 5 giant bags and I let out a little smile. I know this man would do anything to make this better for me. We pulled through the drive-through at Wendy’s, and I thought, maybe I’ll get food poisoning and die from spicy chicken nuggets. That would be better than this. Brad crawled in bed with me and together we cried. I could hardly look at his face. He was just as hurt as I was, and I felt helpless in consoling him. The bruises on my hips from the progesterone shots now felt bigger and more painful than ever before. Now that they aren’t there for a purpose, they are just there to hurt me. They amplified the pain I was feeling all over my body.
So many thoughts spun through my head like a whirlwind of anger, disbelief, shock, grief, all of it shredding the peace I had carried with me for so many months. I started tallying a list of questions that did not even make sense to me, and that no one would ever be able to answer. I knew it was a fruitless waste of energy but I could do nothing but continue to ask why. Self-doubt crept into my bloodstream and forced my racing heart to pound harder. I’m fighting feelings of inadequacy. I prayed for the Spirit not to abandon me even though I felt that it should.
I dreaded having to tell people. Brad kindly called Kim and asked her to call my few friends in the ward with our news. It broke my heart to hear him crying on the phone in the other room but I was thankful he would do this for me. I knew people were waiting to hear. People had been fasting and praying for us. People had been expecting a happy phone call today. I didn’t feel much like talking to anyone. Let alone bringing anyone into my world of heartbreak and misery. I watched the clock on my bedroom wall and gave myself phony deadlines. In 20 minutes I’ll get up and do something. At 5:15 I’ll get over this and move on. At 6:00 I’ll call my therapist. The time passed and I drifted in and out of sleepy cries. I am m i s e r a b l e.
Eventually I came out to the living room and watched Pride and Prejudice which had been saved on my DVR since the weekend. It was a great distraction. Tom called and for some reason I answered it. He was sorry for us and had been fully ready and expecting to be an uncle again! He asked me “so is that money just…gone?” Yes. Yes it is all the way gone. I made a joke about it and how our kids are coming into this world with a pretty hefty tab to pay off. All of a sudden I felt the financial burden and all the miracles that had transpired to allow us to do this. It all felt wasted. Tom made a joke that next time he and Todd will not pray for us, because obviously their prayers were not working. I didn’t even know he prayed!!
|4.12.2011 Just before our pregnancy test, we look so hopeful (and clueless!)|