While I'm traveling Down Under I thought I'd post some excerpts from my IVF Journal. At this point, you're wondering how many parts are there?! I'm long-winded, you should know that. But we're almost to the good part, I promise. It's been super scary to put these things out in the open, so thank you for allowing me this reflection.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
While traveling Down Under I thought I'd post some excerpts from my IVF Journal. Spoiler: this is the Womp Womp part. Note: I reference my therapist several times in this post. I feel very fortunate to have had access to the world's best therapist (imo) during this and other challenges and find this method of dealing with life highly successful for me.
|4.12.2011 Just before our pregnancy test, we look so hopeful (and clueless!)|
While I'm traveling Down Under I thought I'd post some excerpts from my IVF Journal. Even at this early stage, it was irresistible not to think I was already experiencing every pregnancy symptom know to woman. Isn't it funny how that happens? I remember those two weeks being every so excruciating. It's like waiting for Christmas, only 1 million times worse. You know what I mean ;). The results either way would change me forever.
The Waiting Game 4/7/11
“Worrying doesn’t delete tomorrow of its challenges, it only drains today of its strength.”
I say, I don’t have time for you, worries; I have much better things to think about. Like whether or not I’ll get morning sickness or be able to see my toes soon or how long I am able to hide a baby bump from coworkers. It’s rainy today and every so often the thunder booms and I turn around in my chair to peer outside my big office window. I have a beautiful view from my office. But I’m hoping for a new one that can blink back at me. I have a song in my heart today, it has no words, but I’m tapping my foot and humming right along.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
While I'm traveling Down Under I thought I'd post some excerpts from my IVF Journal. For such an impersonal, clinical process IVF can be from start to finish, I was completely taken back at how personal and spiritual the embryo transfer would be. Believe me when I say it was so cool. I cannot read this without feeling loved.
I carried that little picture of our two embryos around with me to every room in the house for days. It gives me strength and hope for whatever is ahead.
|Our first glimpse at the surviving embryos; cutest embryos we had ever hoped to see! I was so proud they were mine.|
Thursday, February 23, 2012
While I'm traveling Down Under I thought I'd post some excerpts from my IVF Journal. It's a little surreal, even for me, to look back and re-read some of my thoughts and feelings from this time. I remember being incredibly scared and vulnerable during this process and it's comforting to know now that with each life experience we can come out of it a better, more empathetic human.
I’ve been anxious for this day. Sweaty palms, racing heart excited. It’s been 5 days since the retrieval and I’m so hopeful that this will work. We haven’t been updated about our embryos since Monday. I still don’t exactly know what to expect physically, but I’ve scheduled to take Thursday and Friday off work as the Doctor strongly suggested lying low. It’s also Conference Weekend, which is a perfect excuse to not do much at all. Our transfer appointment was scheduled for 10:00 am Thursday morning. Brad gave me a blessing just before we left which helped to calm my worrying soul. Tom and Todd are here staying with us this week and gave us big hugs and good lucks as we left.
...to be continued...
|3.31.2011 Transfer day; We were both a ball of nerves...|
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Have you ever known anyone who has gone through IVF? In late 2010 when we made a decision with our doctor to move forward with IVF as our next best infertility treatment, I was largely unaware of what to expect. While I'm traveling Down Under I thought I'd post some excerpts from my IVF Journal. The process was nothing like what we thought, but ultimately we achieved our goal and are beyond grateful for this experience.
Not that anyone is counting ;)
|10.20.2010 Our first of *many* trips to the IVF Clinic|
|My counter was littered with drug paraphernalia for months!|
Sunday, February 19, 2012
I'm turning 30 this weekend. I know, right? My mom is having a private meltdown somewhere because if I'm 30, that means she is...
Thirty is a milestone year, and I think it deserves a bit of attention on this here bloggie. I have a great deal in my life to be thankful for and so much more to look forward to. Pretty much, I love being 30 already. Allow me this soliloquy...
I entered this world at a respectable 8 lbs 12 oz (thanks mom!). Shortly thereafter I intuitively learned to walk and feed myself and manipulate cookies out of older siblings. I was eventually brave enough to peel away from my mother's knee and begin kindergarten. I navigated the playground semi-successfully; got knocked down, got back up again, peed my pants during Heads-up 7-up, hated dodge ball, but secretly loved rainy days when we had to stay inside from recess and read. These are building blocks.I'm entering a whole new decade of my life, the one that I envision will be the most difficult and yet the most rewarding. I'm 30 after all, and I fully intend to act like it. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to age gracefully and I'm fighting back the pressure to look and feel the same as I did a decade ago. Truthfully, I'm not all that sad to see my 20's go. Sure, we had good times, but I'm more than ready to move on. I've given up many things that used to pressure me, including the need to be a super cute super young superhero mom. Rather, I've embraced the notion of simply being a mom to young kids. It's a small change, but has made a big difference. So you see, the older I become, the more I realize I am becoming the real me.
One endless summer I pretend-married my childhood best friend in a tree-house with a cracker jacks prize ring. I buried top secret treasures in my mother's garden intended to be found by future archeologists. I fought and played and fought with my brother. I ate endless quantities of my grandmother's tapioca pudding without guilt. I played outside everyday. Mostly barefoot. These are memories.
Somehow, some way, I survived Jr. High School. Although I did not emerge without scars. My eldest brother tolerated me enough to take me with him to Southeast Asia. It was terrifying, but that experience saved me. By my later teenage years I had started to turn into a somewhat respectable human being. Responsible. Studious (albeit not smart, per se). I gained a testimony of my Savior. I kissed a boy. I pierced my ears. I made real friends all before jumping out of the house and into University where being responsible, studious and popular only made you less than average. These are realities.
I had roommates way out of my league, a lucky good job, and drove an unfortunate old baby blue Mazda ironically named the bullet. I learned to cook on a cattle ranch. I traveled to Europe. Along the way I wrote a missionary and eventually he came home. For reasons I could not understand he was in love with me too and for once in my life I followed my heart instead of my head and said, yes. These are tender mercies.
We were poor, but it didn't matter. Still doesn't. I finished my studies and went right to work. My first job was a complete set back, but things eventually got better and doors opened that I didn't know existed. We moved away, but not that far. He went school. Plus more school. And now works for his dad :). We fought hard to save those things in marriage worth saving, and got rid of a few others that needed letting go. Along the way a few miracles happened and soon I will become a mom to a little girl who has stolen my heart completely. This is my future.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Dear Baby Bee,
Well, look at us now! When people ask me how far along I am in this pregnancy, I have to catch my breath before I broadcast the words six and a half months and pretend like it's no big deal. There is no question these days about whether I'm expecting: my rounding belly is clearly an indication that a little one is on the way. I've started to receive smiles and even an occasional wink from strangers at the grocery store who all seem to be saying "you go girl!" As I was standing in a waiting room lobby the other day, a very nice man piped up and asked me when I was due. In May, I beamed, rubbing one hand on my belly (because honestly what else are my hands supposed to do?). He congratulated me several times and talked wistfully of his own 5 kids, his baby now 12 years old. It goes by so fast, he said, and those years are hard but you'll find you won't trade them for anything. You know, I think he's right.
The added attention you bring sometimes makes me feel silly, sure, but all the same it's just one more indication that carrying a baby is a real honor. I feel genuinely supported about bringing you into the world from family, friends, co-workers, ward members, and even strangers no less. But none more-so than your sweet dad. In my opinion he's already won an Oscar for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. I'm prematurely nominating him for Father of the Year. You'll see.
But while we're on the topic, you and him had a special moment the other morning as he was laying his face on my belly and you seemed to be responding on queue. He would say, can you have a good day Little Bee? and you would kick! Then he would say, take care of your momma for me, and you would kick!! Then he would laugh and say, don't kick me in the face! only to get a huge round-house kick to the face :). Your timing was perfect and you filled his day with joy.
Believe it or not, we are gearing up for a big trip to Australia in just a few days, which seems to have taken precedence over painting your nursery. But don't worry, that will get done soon enough. And if your dad doesn't do it, your Aunt Jen surely will. We figure this will be the last stamp in our passports for a good long while. I'm very much looking forward to meeting long-time colleagues in the Brisbane office, but I'm more so looking forward to spending time away with your father. After this trip, our next family vacation will be with you. And it might be as exciting as driving 40 miles south to visit grandma and grandpa. But still, we will be a family of three before long. And that alone is going to be the adventure of a lifetime we've been waiting for.
Also this week, your momma is turning 30! I must say that the very best thing, by far, about turning 30 is knowing that you'll come into my life this very same year. Thirty all of a sudden doesn't seem so old and scary. I'll be experiencing many "firsts" this year, which will reset the needle for basically everything I know about life. Thirty is now this magical number that I'll always associate with this beautiful time of life when I became your mother. Which is exactly what I've always meant to be.
Oh boy. How can February possibly be half way over? Between trying to keep up with the demands of a full time job and preparing for baby, I can hardly find time to think about painting my toes. That is, if my toes are still there. With this belly in the way I don't see much of those piggies these days. I'm slowly and stubbornly coming to terms that being 6.5 months pregnant does create some limitations on what I am able to accomplish. Go. Figure.
I'm constantly reminding myself that the important things will get done. Just maybe not how I'm used to. Still, everything is going to be alright. If I don't send out handmade Valentine's to all my family and friends, they will forgive me, or not even notice. And if I need to allow myself a few extra minutes of sleep in the morning and maybe pick up donuts for the office on the way into work, that's ok too. I'm finding it hard to let those things go. I'm also surprised that the nursery wasn't done 3 months ago and is nowhere near being done today. What has happened to me? Haha, sigh.
We've been working feverishly the last few Saturday's trying to fit in a trillion little errands in preparation for a business trip/vacation. I've been doing a pretty good job at over-planning, over-analyzing, and over-worrying about it. Ah, that's the me I recognize! I had ordered BD some new sneakers but low and behold they wouldn't arrive in time for Valentine's Day. Wifey fail.
Luckily, BD was all over Valentine's Day this year. I came waddling home from work yesterday, about an hour late of course, to a house smelling deliciously of garlic and cilantro and found him chopping vegetables for fajitas. Table set with fancy glasses and everything. He had found his own recipe online and was determined to make them just right. I fell in love with him just a little bit more when he asked how to chop an onion the "fajita" way. Honestly, that man. Dinner would have been more than enough, but he had big surprises for me all night. One of them being this whole blog printed into 3 volumes of books! I loved being able to flip through the pages of the last 6+ years of our life together. Plus, a new set of cooking pans that are almost too pretty to cook with. Momma and baby felt spoiled to the very core. Sometimes, he just nails it.
*We had a good chuckle about how this is our last Valentine's Day before we'll need a babysitter. And yet, we decided to stay home and cook dinner ourselves anyway ;). It's so much better that way. After dinner and clean up I gave BD a back rub and all of a sudden realized he was asleep at 9:30 pm. ASLEEP! Boy needs himself a vacation.